Ep3. What It’s Like To Live With Depression

G’day guys and welcome to episode three of the Mindful Men Podcast. My name is Simon Rinne, and I’m the man behind Mindful Men.

Today’s episode is all about depression. It’s about that black dog, or dark cloud, or however you want to describe it. It’s about how it creeps into our lives and sticks around.

But I don’t just want to tell you about my experience of depression. I want to also talk about what it is, what it feels like, the signs that you, or someone you know, might be showing to indicate that depression is hanging around. I’ll link to this my story, and then share some tips and tricks for how I have managed depression over the years.

Now I know that this chat might trigger some listeners out there, and if you think that will be you, then think about skipping this episode. But if you do stick around, and something triggers you, please reach out to your support networks, or seek professional help.

Depression Statistics

To paint a picture of how depression impacts us, let’s start with some stats. As detailed on the Beyond Blue website[i], about one in seven Australians will experience depression, and one in six are experiencing depression or anxiety, or even both. One in eight men will experience depression, and whilst this is lower than women, men are 3 times more likely to die from suicide – suggesting we’re more reluctant to seek help. And then globally, we’re talking 5% of the adult population are living with depression which is a leading cause of disability worldwide[ii]. These are huge numbers, and if you haven’t experienced depression before, these stats suggest that it’s likely that someone you know has.

What Is Depression?

Well, there’s a few different types of depression. But for today, I’ll stick to the four that most of us might be familiar with.

First is “depression”. It’s sometimes called major depressive disorder, or clinical depression. It’s that low mood feeling, the loss of interest in things that we used to enjoy. It’s feeling sad, down, or miserable, or unhappy, lacking confidence, irritable and overwhelmed. You might feel constantly tired, or sick, or have regular headaches and muscle pain. Your gut might be churning, and your sleep and appetite might be out the window. You might feel like a failure, or that everything is your fault. You might feel worthless or even suicidal. Your behaviour might change, you might start isolating, or not getting things done, or you might start drinking or taking meds to numb the pain. And you might be unable to concentrate[iii].

The second form of depression is bipolar disorder. This is where a person’s mood shifts between depression, mania and baseline. It’s interesting in that during the mania state, it can seem like the opposite of depression. There are periods where the person has high energy, is talking fast and feeling great – if not invincible! But there is also lost concentration, and feelings of frustration and irritability. Psychosis can sometimes occur with people living with Bipolar, resulting in hallucinations or delusions[iv].

Now the third and fourth types of depression that I want to talk about are Antenatal and Postnatal depression[v]. You also might know it as perinatal depression. Antenatal depression is the period of pregnancy before the baby is born, whilst postnatal refers to the year after the baby is born. Then there are the baby blues, which reflect a hormonal change in the mother a few days after birth, but this tends to pass without the need for specific care the symptoms of depression are generally the same as I mentioned earlier, but they’re also mixed up with exhaustion and excitement, and anxiety around becoming a new parent making it a little hard sometimes to detect.

Now in most cases, the mother is at higher risk given she’s doing all the hard work for us fellas. In fact almost 10 percent of women will develop depression during pregnancy, increasing to 16% after[vi]. But that doesn’t mean that men can’t develop antenatal or postnatal depression. In fact, around 5% do[vii]. And I can understand why. Having kids is scary. Your life is turned upside down. You were once free to do whatever you want, whenever you want. But now prams, exhaustion from lack of sleep, bottles, screaming, crying are all new things you’re experiencing as a first time dad. Then you have another, and the cycle starts again. And the focus is generally on the kids, then the missus, then maybe the dad. It’s important to recognise this because whilst women do the hard yards in pregnancy, labour and beyond, men can feel these feels as well. And that’s ok!

Diagnosing Depression

In terms of diagnosis, that’s done by professionals like a psychologist or psychiatrist. I used a GP who referred me to a psychologist, who then asked me a bunch of questions which resulted in my diagnosis. I certainly wouldn’t rely on Dr Google

So if you’re concerned you may have depression, your GP might be a good place to start and they can also refer you on to a psych if you need it.

What Causes Depression?

Well, that is a loaded question. It’s one of those how long is a piece of string style questions. One person’s depression might be caused by a single event, whilst another person’s depression might come from a lifetime of events and issues.

But generally speaking, causes could from be stress at work, home or school. It could be from long term unemployment, or disability, or isolation due to where you live. It could from be genetics, or personality, or substance abuse. For some it could be a chemical imbalance in the brain, but for others it isn’t. It could be a life event, like losing your job or a loved one, or losing everything to a bushfire or flood[viii]. As I said before, the straw that breaks one camel’s back, might not break the next.

My Experience of Depression

Now before I get into treatment, let me wind back the clock and tell you about my experiences of depression. Depression entered my life in my high school years. I had a lot of the symptoms I mentioned earlier. The sick feeling in the gut, the exhaustion, the low mood, the feeling down, the headaches and so on. These symptoms, they consumed me every single day. They tormented me even when I was trying to sleep.

And for most of the part, I kept it hidden. I never told anyone I felt like this because I was scared. I was scared of what it meant to say what was happening internally. I felt shame. I grew up in a time where boys were told not to cry, where boys had to be strong, and so no signs of weakness.

But also – I didn’t know what was actually happening to me. I didn’t know I had “depression”, and I didn’t know this until my late 20s when I got diagnosed. As a teenager, the only way I felt I could express it was the dark art and poetry that I mentioned in episode two. It was pretty much in my school diary, where I turned from keeping track of assignments to scribbles and sketches of me expressing the internal pain. I showed my friends and some of them liked it. Others laughed, and others looked at me weird. But I felt comfort and strength in my diary, and for years it was my only real outlet.

So what caused this depression in my teens? Well, I can’t pinpoint the exact cause, but it was certainly gave fuel to my anxiety and OCD. I spent years in fear of other kids who went to my school. I looked down as I walked to avoid eye contact with anyone I saw as a threat. And this could be anyone, but it was mostly a few groups of guys who you’d call the “tough” guys. They’d be the ones boasting about beating someone up and they scared the hell out of me. So I spent all my time at school trying to avoid them, but if one of these guys caught a glimpse of me, I thought the whole world would come crashing down around me. I was scared, if not terrified, of getting beat up. And did I ever get beat up? Nope. Not even close. In reality they probably saw right through me. I was probably nothing to them, yet I thought they were constantly looking at me, and talking about me, and out to get me.

So in this example, what did I have to be afraid of? I have no idea, but I was. And no matter if I was at school, or on holidays, all I could think about was the fear I had in the school yard, or the bus ride home, or the shops if I saw them there. And even after school finished, and I was free from the schoolyard forever, this fear stuck around. It turned into people on public transport, or in the city as I walked from the train to university. But despite what part of my life I was in, the fear dragged me down. It had me scared, anxious, worried. It boxed me up, and told me I was nobody, and with this I felt down and out.

I was depressed. I was sick of feeling this way, but I had no way out. I had no way of letting the fear go. So it eventually became a comfort blanket. It became what I knew, and I learned to live with it. And even now, as a dad, its people we walk past in the park, or the street, or the shops. Now the fear is a lot less intense these days, and I can say that at the moment, the depression has gone on its own little holiday for a while.

And this is a key point. It comes and goes. But in high school and my first stint at university, it was really bad. The constant fear, the constant anxiety, the lack of sleep, the loss appetite, you name it – it all got me down. I felt low. I felt like a shadow of my former self. And there were many days that I just wanted it all to end.

And then back in 2012, when I finally got help, it was a different kind of depression. It was loneliness with moving to a new state and town. It was that feeling stuck in a rut situation, with no way out. It was battling the daily grind with no foreseeable growth in myself or my pay cheque. It was constant irritation, drinking to excess and feeling gross about myself inside and out. It was battling with others, deflecting and saying, “there’s nothing wrong with me”. I was tired, fed up and frustrated.

I was “depressed”. Saying it out loud is a weird feeling, but for many people, unless they say it, you’ll never know they have it. That’s because it’s not always visible. There’s been many times in my life where I’ve considered myself high functioning. Where despite what’s going on inside, I could put on a mask and fool the world. But I’ve found that over time, even the best of masks fall apart, and now, I’m all about ripping the mask off and chatting about things.

Coping With Depression

Well to be honest, I bottled it up for over 20 years. But that was no good for me, nor anyone I’ve talked too since. But I have learned some tips and tricks along the way. But before I get into them, it’s important to know that there is no “magic pill” that cures it right there and then. There is no one way to treat depression, and what works for me won’t necessarily work for you, or your loved one or friend. But I’m happy to share what has worked for me in case it’s something you haven’t tried.

At the very start, it was about talking about mental illness. Yep, the hardest part of my journey. It was saying the words “I need help”. It was booking the GP and going to the appointment. It was getting a mental health care plan, and booking a psychologist and going to them as well. It was being ok with not being ok, and talking about everything without holding back.

And with this came trialling different medications. And I think “trialling” is a key word here because different meds have different side effects for everyone. Some side effects I’ve had include nausea, weight gain, feeling “emotionally numb”, almost kind of like you can’t be really happy or sad, just right in the middle. Skin outbreaks with zits popping up everywhere, and with one med, which I took because it also helped me sleep, I was out cold within 30 mins of taking it!

The key with meds is consistency. If you miss a day, your body will certainly tell you! You might experience withdrawals like nausea or headaches. But if you take them religiously, they can certainly help. And then, when all is good, you might even be able to come off. But if you’re thinking of doing this, it’s best to work with your doctor on how to approach this.

The next tip is having a healthy lifestyle. It seems like a no-brainer, but what you eat and drink impacts your mental health. When you eat and drink shit, you feel like shit. It’s simple. The same goes for exercise. The more you can do, the better you’ll feel. And this is particularly important for those moments when you’re right down in the dumps. I’ve rarely found that a walk, run, gym or swim hasn’t in some way picked up my mood. And what I’d like to add here, is that this might look different as you age. For me, footy, soccer and basketball were my things when I was younger. Now, I’m more likely to tear a hamstring than kick a goal. So I’ve adapted. I like the gym more than I used to, and even took up Pilates and yoga this past year.

And then, when you do all this above, it’s important to have a good night’s sleep routine. Whether its early to bed, or spending longer in bed. Or turning off the tv and reading a book before you drift off to sleep. Whatever it is, make it a healthy routine and you’re on your way to improved mental health.

And the last tip I’ll give for now, one I’ve only come to discover as I’ve got older, is doing what you can to maximise your wellbeing. This is a holistic approach to your whole self. The line in the sand moment in your life where you let go of the anchors holding you down and pursue what you actually want from life. Is it improving your health and fitness? Is it studying or changing jobs? Is it redefining your inner circle – and letting go of toxic relationships that hold you back? Is it getting your finances into order? Is it reading books that broaden your knowledge? Is it changing what you watch on tv or listen to on the radio? Is it listening to podcasts like this one, or reading self-help books? Is it writing self-help books? Is it pursing your dreams? Like starting a business, or trying something you’ve always wanted to try? Or maybe, is it going to therapy, not because you have to, but because you want to! Kind of like a check-in to keep you on track?

All these things can help maximise your wellbeing. And when we focus on wellbeing, we start to grow. We grow out of the box that has held us back. We develop our confidence, and we live authentically. We live with purpose. This is the path I’m currently on, living more authentically and with greater purpose.

Depression comes and goes. It’s the black dog that gets bigger because we keep feeding it. But if we stop feeding it, and start talking about what’s troubling us, we can start to heal. We can learn what’s happening to us and we can be taught strategies on how to manage this so that mental illness becomes mental health. So that we can move on with our lives, and stop walking under the black cloud. Or maybe we even wave the black dog away?

And as we do this, we become mindful. We can be mindful of who we are, and who we want to be. We’ll acknowledge that yep, there are going to be shit days. There’s going to be days where you fall off the recovery path. There’s going to be days you forget the meds, or eat shit and not exercise. There will be days where everything is dark and full of doom and gloom.

But what I want you to remember is this quote that helped me way back in my darkest days: “The sun will always rise tomorrow”. And when you remember this, remember that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new opportunity to grow. Tomorrow is another day to overcome mental illness.

Thanks for joining me today. I hope you got something out of this episode. And please, if it triggered you, reach out to your support networks.

And before I go, don’t forget to drop us some love in the socials. My name is Simon Rinne, until next time, stay mindful.

References

[i] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/media/statistics

[ii] https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression

[iii] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms

[iv] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/types-of-depression

[v] https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/maternal-mental-health-and-wellbeing/depression

[vi] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/types-of-depression

[vii] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/men/what-causes-anxiety-and-depression-in-men/new-fathers

[viii] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/what-causes-depression