What it’s Like to Live With Anxiety

G’day guys and welcome to episode four of the Mindful Men Podcast. My name is Simon Rinne, and I’m the man behind Mindful Men.

In today’s episode, I’ll be diving into anxiety. It’s not as dark as the episode on depression, but that’s not to say that it’s any less damaging to our health and wellbeing. In fact, there’s people out there who suffer a greater deal of pain or distress from anxiety than they do depression.

Like I did with the last episode, I’ll start with some stats on anxiety to set the context. I think this is important, because knowing the bigger picture of an issue can help us understand it better. But I also believe it helps us to realise how prevalent an issue is, which in turn helps us to feel less alone in our struggles. I’ll talk about a few different types of anxiety, including what it looks and feels like to live with it. I’ll touch on some causes of anxiety and how anxiety is diagnosed. Then I’ll share my story about anxiety and how I have coped throughout the years.

Now, like last episode (in fact all my episodes), this chat might trigger some of you out there. So don’t feel shame to skip this episode if you think it might bring up some rough emotions. But if you do stick around, and you do get triggered, please reach out to your support networks, or seek professional help.

Anxiety Statistics

So let’s set the scene with some hard numbers. The Beyond Blue website is a great place for stats, as they draw upon stats from places like the Australian Bureau of Statistics and make it easy to digest.

According to the Beyond Blue website[i], one quarter of Australians will experience anxiety in their lifetime. This increases to one in six experiencing anxiety, depression or both at the same time. Now for men specifically, anxiety will be experienced by one in five during their lifetime; but I believe this figure might actually be a bit higher as men struggle to open up about mental illness. For example, only 13% of young men with mental health problems have sought professional help. 13% is not a huge number. And given blokes like me took 20 years to seek help, my guess is that the one in five figure is a lot higher. Maybe one in four or even one in three. Afterall, the stats can only tell us what people open up about, not what’s being bottled up.

Now globally, the World Health Organisation estimates around 3.6% of the global population are living with an anxiety disorder[ii]. That’s about 300 million people… 300 million people! That many people could roughly fill the MCG 3,000 times. Now it’s important to note that in this data, the World Health Organisation is grouping several anxiety disorders together. These include generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorders, social anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. That’s a lot of disorders to group together, but they all fall within that anxiety realm.

Types of Anxiety

For today’s episode, I’m only going to discuss generalised anxiety and social anxiety disorders, whilst the next episode will explore my experience living with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) because that one’s a biggy!

So let’s take a look at generalised anxiety disorder[iii]. What is it? Well, it’s more complex than just being stressed or worried. Stress and worry are normal responses to various situations, and pass after the situation is over. But generalised anxiety continues for some time, and can become so intense that it has a negative impact on people’s lives. This type of anxiety relates to several aspects of daily living, like what’s going on at home, school or work, relationship issues, finances, health, going out into the community, and everything to do with COVID.

So what does generalised anxiety feel like? Well, like all mental illnesses, it differs for everyone. But it can feel like constant worry and having trouble with stopping that worry. It’s fatigue and trouble sleeping despite the fatigue. It’s restlessness including restless sleep. It’s lying in bed all night worrying when the rest of the world is fast asleep. It’s also feeling on edge. It’s muscle tension, like clenching your teeth constantly or mysterious pain that eludes diagnosis by modern medicine. It’s irritability and snapping at people for no real reason at all. It’s butterflies in the stomach, lost appetite, sweaty palms and a racing heart as the anxiety increases.

It can also lead to behaviours like conforming to others requests, like being a “yes” man. It’s being a perfectionist to avoid the anxiety, and re-doing tasks to keep anxiety at bay. It’s becoming unsure of ourselves and seeking approval or assurance from others. It’s catastrophising situations, or over risk assessing our plans because of “what if” situations. As I said before, it’s a little more complex than general stress or worry with a particular situation. Its constant, and you can be bouncing between one, two or 10 of these things all at once.

Now with social anxiety disorder[iv], the anxiety centres around social interaction. And whilst its normal to get nervous doing things like giving a speech, or doing a presentation at work or school, the intensity of social anxiety is much greater. Additional symptoms also include trembling, stammering when trying to speak, excessive sweating and even nausea or diarrhoea. It leads to us isolating ourselves from people or events. We become more of a recluse than the out and about version of ourselves from our earlier days. Even when it comes to being around people we know, or love, this can cause significant social anxiety.

And then, the COVID pandemic continues on and on. We get fearful of being near people. We worry about where our friends and family has been before they step foot in our doors. We worry that our kids who aren’t at the vaccination age will get COVID and we particularly worry about our kids who struggle with respiratory illnesses, will get it and become a statistic of this pandemic.

Workplaces, childcare, schools, shops, cinemas, playgrounds, cafes, restaurants, bars, public toilets – wherever we frequent – we worry about catching an unseen illness that could kill us or someone we know. Then there is the anxiety that we could be a carrier; and unknowingly infect those around us. Or we watch someone else not wearing the masks, not isolating, not checking in to venues and pretending they’re above the pandemic because they’re invincible. We get anxiety about these people being super spreaders. And it’s also anxiety about others thinking we have COVID because we sneeze, or blow our nose, or cough. Not everything is COVID, yet everything is COVID at the same time. My daughter has a history of respiratory illnesses, and is constantly sick. And when we’re out and she coughs, you feel the eyes on you like “what are you doing out infecting us all”. And despite you knowing it’s not COVID because she’s been tested and returned a negative result, you still feel that social anxiety.

As I said before, it’s a little more complex than general stress or worry.

Diagnosing Anxiety

Now in terms of diagnosis, like I said last week, Dr Google isn’t going to cut it. You’re best to go see your GP and grab a referral to a psychologist who can assess anxiety. From there you have a few options for treatment. Psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, social workers and even occupational therapists can help you work through anxiety.

What Causes Anxiety?

So what about the causes for generalised and social anxiety disorders? Well, like depression that’s a loaded question and it’s not the same for everyone.

But common causes[v] may include biological factors such as brain functioning, or family history of mental illness. Stressful life events like childbirth, relationship breakdowns, moving home or changing jobs or schools. It could be from abuse or trauma experienced, or public humiliation, bullying or shyness. It could also be psychological, in that the person may have emotional regulation difficulties.

COVID is a big one at the moment, particularly given how it keeps morphing into new variations of itself. Then there is the COVID news cycle for that runs 24/7, and the progress we seem to get with things like vaccines and lockdowns, followed by opening up again and having greater numbers than ever before. I honestly don’t envy the jobs of our leaders trying to work through this, and I think they’ve done a pretty good to date although I have my doubts whether opening up is the best thing to do given the numbers we’re seeing.

Then as I said before, there is anxiety about being a parent in this pandemic, and what it means for our kids who are last in line for vaccinations. It’s anxiety about whether we’ll keep our jobs, or when we can see our loved ones again. Or anxiety about how to home school and work and have some sort of self-care during lockdowns. And whilst the current vibe in Australia is moving away from lockdowns, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them again.

As I said last week, the cause of anxiety for one person will be different to the next. And that’s ok! In the mental health space, it’s not about who’s anxiety is greater. It’s not about who is more depressed, or traumatised, or obsessive and compulsive. It’s not about who has it worse off, or whether the cause of my distress is more profound than yours. The mental health space is all about supporting people to open up. To open up and get help, then walk your own recovery journey with the right supports guiding your way.

This is important, because my journey will also be different to yours. It might be windier, or straighter. It might loop around more than yours, and I might feel I’m going backwards when you’re going forwards. It might end before yours, or end decades after. Or it might never end at all. And this is ok. It’s not a race but a journey full of growth, insight, hurdles and triumphs.

My Experience of Anxiety

So what has anxiety been like for me? Well, my anxiety is closely linked to my depression and my obsessive compulsive disorder. And over the years, I’ve felt most of the symptoms I highlighted earlier. 

Anxiety entered my life in my primary school years. Up until around year 5 or so, I was a pretty resilient kid. Nothing seemed to phase me, and I went about each day making the most of it. I loved to laugh, joke around, be active and I felt a sense of invincibility. Then one day, things started to change. I started to take notice of the bigger kids in school, and get this butterfly feeling in my gut whenever I walked past them. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I got.

Sport was a good distraction, but soon after training or games finished, I would start thinking about the bigger kids from school, or the bigger kids on the field. Things like “were they talking about me?”, or “are they going to beat me up?”. My favourite meal of each day turned into a struggle. The butterflies each morning would make it hard for me to eat my breakfast without feeling like spewing everywhere.

And then at night, something weird started happening there too. I would lie awake, anxious about the next day at school or even something happening a few weeks away and I would toss and turn all night. Then I would get this overwhelming feeling that someone was in the house. My hearing would go into overdrive, and it would sound like someone was walking down the hall to my room. Now to hear someone do this would be near impossible given it was a carpeted hallway, but on many nights I got this feeling. Then the footsteps would stop and I would feel they are waiting at my door and looking down on me, creeping over to my bed. Now on the nights I was brave enough to look, nobody was ever there. But on many of the other nights, the fear would take hold and I would hide under my blankets and lay as flat and still as possible to try and make it seem as though nobody was in the bed, and whoever it was would move on.

The anxiety I felt here was fuelled by a fear that a thief or murderer would come into the house an either kidnap me, or kill me. And the anxiety grew so intense that it would send weird sensations through my body. Like if I was holding my hand in a tight first, it would feel as though my bones were growing bigger to the point they would burst out of the skin. And my hearing would get waves of this deep pressure sensation, like someone had punched them but instead of a ringing sound, I would get a muffled sound, intensifying before dissipating over and over again. And the only relief I would get on these nights would be around 4am when my oldest brother would get up to have a shower for work. The sound of the water running through the pipes was like white noise, and almost instantly helped me relax and drift off to sleep. Or maybe it was because my brother being up meant that this figure who made me so anxious, so terrified, had to run away?

Fast forward to high school, and the anxiety intensified. I went over some of the reasons why in episode three, so make sure you check it out if you haven’t. But to recap, I grew into a shadow of my former self. I got so anxious about the tough guys at school that I developed depression, avoidant strategies and a fear of people that has stuck around ever since, like at university and then work in various ways. This also moved to the footy field, where I would use my once blistering speed to avoid the biggest and toughest players from the other team. And even in the car, where I am perfectly safe, I started avoiding eye contact from cars passing by, or people walking on the streets as we passed them, just in case they saw me and wanted to get me in some way. 

As I got older, social anxiety came into play. As a young man, I was always keen to socialise. I loved hanging out with mates and going to parties. But over time, the extrovert I was turned into an introvert. The thought of going somewhere where I didn’t know people was daunting, if not terrifying. At work these days, where I know most people in the office, there’s days where I feel so anxious both generally and socially, that I’d prefer not to walk through that front door.

And I even get this way before the most interesting part of my job – and the part that I am probably at my best – before meetings with clients. I get so anxious beforehand that I’ll do more than one nervous wee, and once I am in that meeting room, I’ll be shaking in my chair for at least the first five minutes of the meeting.

And then there are the social drinks which I used to love, but have become a recipe for disaster. It’s the whole, have a few drinks, dinner and great time – Then the next day my mind starts racing “did I say something that might have offended someone?” or “did I make a fool of myself on the dance floor?” or “was that group on the other table talking about me?”. These things will race through my mind and cause so much anxiety that I get distressed to the point that I’m a nervous wreck. And as a result, I now opt out of most social outings with work.

And away from work, I’m feeling it as I turn Mindful Men from an Instagram page into a business. I have huge anxiety about how it will play out that I often procrastinate or over think things so much that I end up stuck in one place, or contemplating giving up altogether. My anxiety breeds during my racing thoughts, like will I succeed – or will I fail? Will anyone pay for my services? Will anyone listen to this podcast? Is this podcast of any value to anyone? Are people laughing at me whilst I speak? Do I have a good enough voice for a podcast – or a good enough face for the YouTube channel? Am I doing the right thing with starting a business, or should I just stay in my box at my safe job?

Or as a dad and husband – I get anxiety about getting it right. Am I doing enough for my kids – or will they grow up hating my guts? Am I showing my wife enough attention? Are my family happy, or will they be happy in the future? Am I punishing the kids right? Am I teaching them the right things? Am I giving it my all, or is my mental illness rearing its ugly head yet again? Are my kids going to get depression, or anxiety or OCD?

And the key thing with all these examples is that they go beyond the normal levels of worry or stress. My mind fixates on them so much that I get physically ill, become distant, snappy, avoidant, tired, nausea and even get the runs from time to time. Then these feelings in themselves turn into anxiety about having anxiety. I even question whether I am having anxiety, or have got gastro or some sort of other gut bug.

So there’s a few examples of how anxiety plays out in my life, and there’s a whole bunch more that I’ll share in my OCD episode next week – so make sure you tune into that episode to get a more insight into how my mind operates on a daily basis.

But for now, having shared how anxiety has impacted me, let me shed some light on how I have coped.

Coping with Anxiety

I’ll be honest, these are not all good coping strategies.

My first coping strategy was bottling it up for over 20 years. Nobody knew I was going through this, not even my family or friends. Then as I became an adult, I would self-medicate with beer to calm the mind down at night time and help get me to sleep.

But in 2012 when I finally reached out for help, and got myself a mental health care plan and some sessions with a psychologist. I started to learn that bottling it up and drinking too much was not the best way to cope. Medication became less of a taboo in my mind, and more of a necessity. I felt like it levelled me out mentally, and gave me a fighting chance. it also took the edge of my anxiousness, and made me more “level” in terms of my temperament.

At various stages, I have really honed in on my exercise, and found great gains in my mental and physical fitness. And whilst at the moment I’m not as full on with my exercise, it continues to be useful as it helps to calm my mind, give me something else to focus on other than worry, and also helps relax me to get to sleep. When I’m in a good space, exercise is a regular thing, beer is an every now and then thing, and eating right comes into play.

But I have to say, my recovery pathway is like a rollercoaster, so there are times where all this slips away and I find myself back in old habits. Like this past Christmas and new year period for example. I’m putting my hand up and saying I’ve been stuck in a rut. I’ve been struggling mentally and haven’t bothered with exercise and eating right. And as I record this podcast, I feel like shit. Towards the end of 2021, I felt like I was dragging myself to December 31^st, and was reluctant to do anything other than eat shit, watch tv and get on the beers. But I know I can turn this around, and have plans to do this.

And this is important to highlight. We all struggle to maintain good habits, its normal for us. And we all slip into bad habits, its normal for us too. The key is to recognise when we slip away from what is good for us then make plans for change and implement those plans. For me, my January plan is to cut back on the beer and shit food. This is hardest on the weekends when I get the greatest urge, but I know I can do it. I’m also heading back to the gym and re-establishing my daily routines because I know my mind prefers routine and not the randomness that comes with holiday periods.

And underpinning this is being Mindful of my anxiety and how it plays out. It’s being Mindful of when I am struggling with it, or when I’ve dropped the ball on my routine, or exercise, or drinking too much. It’s being Mindful of how I act around my wife and kids when I am anxious, and letting my wife know that things aren’t right so she can help steer me in the right direction. I have even found safe people to do this with at work, because anxiety is there for me too.  This is something I’ve only been able to do in recent years, and is driven by my knowledge that I don’t have to be anxious all the time, and I don’t have to deal with it alone.

Sure, I have been managing on my own for a long time, but I don’t have too anymore. I can be relaxed, present, and happy. I can be thinking clearly and stress free. People can know what’s going on inside my mind, and I can feel safe in sharing this information. By feeling and acting this way, I can start to live more authentically. No more bottling things up. No more hiding the truth.

Living with mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. Asking for help is not something to be ashamed of. Keeping quiet only makes things worse, so I’m all in on flipping the lid of the mental illness box and I’m ready to start facing the world. Because continuing life in a way that was not reflecting my authentic self is something that I would be ashamed of. And 2022 for me is all about authenticity and rediscovering pride and confidence in myself.

Now before I go today, I wanted to share a great coping strategy for anxiety that I’ve learned recently. It’s a breathing technique I picked up at yoga and it helps me calm my mind, focus on one thing and become present in the moment. And it’s really simple.

When you’re feeling anxious, nervous or stressed – try this.

*Breathe in for 4 seconds.

*Hold for 4 seconds

*Breathe out for 4 seconds

*Repeat this for a few minutes – or as long as you can.

It’s simple really, and I find it useful as I go into my client meetings,  or when I’m driving in the car and feeling anxious about something.

Well that’s all I have for you today. Thanks for tuning in, and I hope you got something out of this episode. 

Don’t forget that if this episode triggered you – reach out to your support networks. And before I go, don’t forget to drop us some love in the socials. My name is Simon Rinne. Until next time, stay mindful. 

References

[i] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/media/statistics

[ii] WHO – Depression and Other Common Mental Disorders Global Health Estimates

[iii] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/gad

[iv] https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/social-phobia

[v] Refer endnotes iii and iv