Simon: G’Day guys, and welcome to another episode of The Mindful Men Podcast. I’m your host, Simon Rinne, and today we’re getting mindful about careers, fatherhood and how mindset can influence how we go about life. And joining me with this conversation is Ashton Levarek from Oregon USA. How you going? Ashton?

Ashton: Great. Thank you, Simon. I appreciate it.

Simon: No worries. I’m really excited to hear your story today. You’ve got quite a cv that I’ve been reading through. But you’re a family man a special operations veteran and managing partner of Valkerie Investment Group.

Ashton: That’s right.

Simon: Wonderful. So, we’ll go into all those things today, but I’d like to start off with finding out a bit more about you and where you grew up. About childhood and, some of those key events that led you towards the armed forces.

Ashton: Yeah. So, I was born in Sydney to an American mother. She was a flight attendant. My father was actually a Kiwi and shortly after my birth moved back to the US. They split up and my mom raised us by herself for a while, then got remarried, but because she was a flight attendant, we moved around a lot.

So, because I switched schools so many times, I started to understand that my beliefs of who I am, I can change those anytime I want. Right. And every time I went to a new school, I could improve and discard, you know, bad beliefs that weren’t working for me and grow in that manner.

And so, I got to be very growth mindset. it wasn’t easy changing schools all the time, but, we did it. She remarried again when I was, 10 or 12, but we kind of struggled with money like everybody does at some point, right?

And when it came time to leave the nest, there was no option to go to college. And I don’t know that I was in the right frame of mindset for that anyway. I was more into sports and traveling and stuff like that. And so the military just seemed like the next I. Easy step for me, the progression.

You know, somebody actually came up to me in my senior year of high school and was like how would you like to go jump out of helicopters and bust drug dealers? And, you know, at an 18-year-old Gung-ho adventure enthusiast, you know, that sounded great. And so, I actually joined the Coast Guard to be a rescue swimmer.

And so, I did that for about six years. And then when the war started that looked like another great adventure. So I looked at the Navy Seals. You had to get in and wait like two years before you could go to Bud. So, I wasn’t into that. So, I talked to the para rescue jumper community in the Air Force which they’re basically combat medics.

They deploy attached to SEAL teams, ranger teams special forces teams. And they get to do just about everything. So, parachute combat, dive halo, like all the stuff. So, I jumped into that and I just retired in 2020 as the war died down. Started a business with my brother investing in real estate so I wouldn’t have to get another job. And that’s been wildly successful. And I have two little girls now, which you know, jokes on me. I always wanted boys, but they’re amazing, you know, teaching them to shoot and ski and surf and it’s just been a, an amazing journey.

I’m going to get emotional, but yeah. So, father, husband to two little girls we’re getting ready to move to Costa Rica. You know, not everything’s been, rainbows and butterflies, of course. But it’s been an amazing journey and I can’t wait to see what the next 42 years brings. So,

What it means to be a dad

Simon: wow. It’s quite a journey and I love talking to dads because I’m a dad myself. I’ve got a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter and a five-and-a-half-year-old son. what does being a dad mean to you when you think about it?

Ashton: You know, you’re going to tap into some old memories, but for me it means being there.

 That’s probably the biggest thing that happened in my life is, you know, my dad took off my stepdad, he was busy all the time I call him my dad because he raised us, my stepdad did. He’s amazing individual and everything. But he was very caught up in making money and providing for the family, which, you know, a father should be.

He’s the provider, he’s the protector. But at the same time, it’s very important for me to make time for my family, which is, has been a struggle because you know, with the military you get pulled away a lot. So that was kind of the impetus for building our real estate investment firm as well, because I could work from home.

So yeah, being there I think is the biggest thing because only if you’re there, can you help them adjust their journey, help them, give them advice. Like you could provide the nicest house in the nicest neighbourhood with the best food, but if you’re not there, none of that’s going to matter. And we know this, I mean, you’ve seen this time and time again with kids growing up.

You have to be there for your kids. And you’re going to figure it out together. They’re learning. You’re learning. This is the first time I’ve ever raised anybody. Right. And you got, you got to take it in stride. Like I don’t care how many books you read, I think my wife got us like 10 different books.

When we first had our first kid, I was like, there’s no way we’re going to read all this and apply it all. Because everybody’s got their opinion, but the reality is like, you’re, you’re going to learn with your kids. And I think that’s the thing, right? You got to surround them with love and be there for them and grow with them.

Simon: What’s one of the standout things that you’ve learned about yourself after becoming a dad?

Ashton: Standout thing I’ve learned know, I really, I was very, I don’t know how else to say it, very masculine. I was into guns climbing mountains, like the boys, all the boys. And so, I wanted a boy to pass that onto.

And Having girls just has melted my heart, like, you know, yeah. So, you learn something about you and to be fair, like they, they do all that stuff with me, which is nuts. So no, I, I absolutely love it. Yeah.

Simon: wonderful. And thinking about like when your, your dad left, I think it was around eight years old or so.

Mm-hmm. Have you taken anything from that experience also with your stepdad as well, and then applied that as a father yourself?

Be Intentional with What You Want

Ashton: You know, it’s about being intentional, right?

There’s a piece in life. I think it’s like if you’re not clear about what you want in life, you’ll get that. But if you’re clear, it, it makes it very easy. You know, what kind of father do you want to be? What kind of businessman?

What kind of husband, these are things you have to be clear about because otherwise, it’ll run away from you. My real dad reached out to me when I was 30 and he wanted to meet and be buddy-buddy again. And it was a really awkward experience. And I was like, look, I get it.

You want to come back in my life, but you weren’t my father. Right? And he, that really pains him now and I assume he was young. He didn’t know what he wanted. He was tempted with other things, which happens. I get it. It happens. But I think being intentional, and I love the name of your podcast because of that,

and I think this is an interesting concept, right? So, like, if you look at. In the animal kingdom, you always have the alpha, and that’s always the leader, the protector of the, the pack and everything. And he has responsibilities. And I think with the human, it’s a bit different because we have a consciousness and we can make that choice

but, in becoming the alpha male, you’re fulfilling human potential because by doing that, you’re enabling other people to reach their potential. So, I’m not going to blame anybody. I’m not going to blame him for anything in my life because I feel like he was the catalyst for a lot of the growth that I went through.

And of course, the journey I went on, which I’m very thankful for. But at the same time, like when you are the father that you’re there, you’re intentional, you’re there on purpose, focused, you know what you want for your family. You are essentially the gardener for those kids. Like you’re growing those kids and you can enable them to have.

An amazing life or, you know, it can go the other direction. And, I don’t know what other country’s statistics look like, but in the US families without fathers lead to crime and education levels falling.

so, I think that’s a huge piece to it, is just being intentional with what I want out of life. Like, I want to be there for my kids, right? And, and I’ve come to those crossroads, I think everybody does at some level. Like, do I really want to get married? Do I want to stick this out?

Do we want to have kids? Like, what does that mean? You know, am I ready to raise humans? No,

Simon: I don’t think we’re ever ready even after the second or third one comes along right. Yeah.

Moving Schools as a Kid

Simon: You mentioned like moving around different schools and stuff like that. Like what was the impact on you, like internally in terms of moving schools, having to create new friendships all the time and, and fit into different environments? How did that impact you growing up?

Ashton: Yeah, that’s a good question. So, I think a lot of that was I was forced to grow. Like you don’t get set in your ways. You go to a new school and all of a sudden Jean jackets are not popular anymore. You know, and you’re like, what? And you don’t have a core group of friends to lean on, you know, like, yeah, this is what we do.

You know what I mean? So, you get to reinvent yourself, which is nice in one sense. But I, as a kid growing up, it can be kind of, you can be on that struggle bus, you can be kind of painful, because you want to fit in. Nobody wants to be the odd person out. And yeah, I remember my stepdad because I, I got bullied a lot because I was a new kid.

 And I remember he was a great protector. He was very disciplined. He was all about taking care of us, but he was young. At what, 21 married my mom. But yeah, he told me like, look, in the moment.

No one’s going to be there but you, and you have to choose to be strong. Whether that means fighting back or whether that means just looking him in the eye and taking it, whatever that means. But you need to learn to be strong. And he was huge on, even when I was getting punished with him, he was huge on looking him in the eye as a man and, and embodying those traits of

and I, I don’t know how else to say it, but like an alpha, like somebody that is proud of who they are, no matter what is going on. And Taking responsibility for that. And a lot of times we want to blame other people like, oh, so-and-so picked on me, or, you know, these circumstances, we didn’t have money and this and that.

And like, you got to own it. This is you; this is your journey. And no one else is coming for your life. This is your life, right? And in the end, this life’s going to kill you. So, you might as well be the best version of yourself in, you know, in bad situations and good situations. And I don’t know, he had a huge impact on me for standing up for myself, for being a man for protecting other people that, you know, need that.

So don’t know if that answered your question or not.

Simon: Yeah, and you mentioned like getting bullied and being on a bit of a struggle with street. Like I talk a lot about men’s mental health and starting in school, through bullying or through undiagnosed mental illness, I lived with OCD from eight years old, for example undiagnosed until I was 28.

So, I was trying to outthink it essentially for 20 years. Mm-hmm. Trying to understand who I was in a world and how I managed that. And I grew up in an environment where we didn’t talk about mental health or emotions. It was, yeah, suck it up, be a man and that’s how you live with life. But then for a lot of my time, I was questioning like, is that the only reality of what it means to be masculine?

And so, I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and, and the last 10 years, particularly with my mindset going, okay, well there’s more to masculinity than just being tough, and strong and the alpha male. But you can also tune into the softer side, like yes. Did you find during those bullying years that you had someone to talk to, like your stepdad about this type of stuff?

Or was it just purely bottling it up for you as well and sucking it up and trying to move through that?

Ashton: So that’s a good question. So, I journaled a lot. Despite everything, me and my dad, especially when you become a teenager and you’re really stepping into those roles we did not talk like that.

It was a lot of tough love. And I know exactly what you mean, and when I say the alpha, I’m not saying the aggressive, over dominant violent male, that may be in the animal kingdom. When I say that, I’m saying the confident, quiet, protective, you know?

 I look at those kinds of people, like the people that can walk into a room and somebody may do something to him, but they’re confident enough to that it does not matter. It does not bother them. They don’t engage in those petty things. Right. Because they’re confident enough in themselves that they don’t need to go prove anything to the anybody else. That’s what I’m talking about.

Journalling organises our thoughts

Ashton: But yeah, journaling was big for me. My mother was huge into yoga before she remarried, and we used to go to a meditation ashra all the time, and that played a big role when it got tough for me because I continued the meditation, I continued the journaling, which I still have those journals today, and it’s pretty wild to read some of that stuff.

And here’s the thing about journaling, and I don’t know if you listen to Jordan Peterson at all, and I think , he’s really good at organizing his thoughts and he talks about that. When you write, you start to be able to organize your thoughts, and that helps you find the meaning in a lot of the things that are going on in your life.

Otherwise, a lot of times we’re plagued with just random thoughts as things happen in our life. And then there’s no control, right? And you don’t actually get to form out ideas and beliefs, and come to those conclusions about yourself, about what you want to change, about what you want to keep the same, about what’s going on, whatever.

Right. So, there’s, there’s this kind of figure it out as you go along. But I think with, journaling, it really allows you to organize your thoughts, not to mention the growth of your thought process. And that helps out a lot. I didn’t have, you know, someone to talk to about that.

That was something I guess if you want to say I walked away with, you know, issues. I probably did because to this day I have a very hard time bonding with other men. Because my dad left, I imagine. And because my stepdad, him, and I didn’t have that kind of emotional, you can talk to me, tell me anything buddy.

You know, like, yeah. So, so yeah, that is a piece. But for me, I think, I went internal and it was the journaling meditation., I really loved martial arts. I was into yoga. I went into that internal, that quiet space. And that helped out a lot.

Simon: Yeah. Describe journaling for us, because there’s so many different types of journaling, I love how you were talking about it in terms of being able to organize your thoughts.

Cause often when we’re living with mental illness, you know, for example, me, o c d, my mind will race a million miles an hour. And so, by writing it down, or even just talking about it on a podcast or through therapy or whatever, we’re able to disempower the thoughts that keep going around in a million miles an hour and slow them down and just see them for what they are.

And then you can start that organization process and go, okay, this is what this is meaning, or I’m stressed here, or I’m stressed there. What’s your journaling process look like? Is it just, open up a piece of paper and just go for it for an hour? Or do you have a set process for journaling?

Ashton: It, it depends, right? Sometimes, so like, I’m working on a book right now, so it goes by topic. So, I pick a topic for the book, and then I start to brain dump essentially. And as you’re writing things out, it starts to flow, right? You get in this flow of what you believe, what you think on this particular topic.

And I would like to back up too, when you do that, you get to realize your beliefs, right?

Limitless by Jim Kwik

Ashton: And I don’t know if you’ve read Jim Kwik’s book called Limitless. It’s all about learning. And I can’t remember who said the quote, but the most successful people in the world, are good at learning because they can outlearn anybody else.

They can get better than anybody else. They don’t have to be bigger, stronger, or even smarter. You just have to learn faster. And when you start using those tools, applying that to yourself, you’re essentially learning about yourself, right?

Changing our internal beliefs

Ashton: Because we have these subconscious thoughts that’s kind of like the background programming in our mind that just continuously go, like, I’m bad at reading, or I forget people’s names.

I, this is one I used to tell myself all the time. Oh, I forget names. So easy, you know, and I got to say it over and over before I remember it. But that’s just a belief that we have. That’s a belief that I reinforce with more thoughts, right? And anytime I forget a name, I write it off as, oh, I, that’s because I forget names.

But that’s not the reality. That’s just something I’ve adopted, right? That is not my reality. And a belief is just a series of thoughts. You continue to think. So, if you change your thought pattern, you can change your beliefs. You can change your ability very quickly. And journaling allows you to do that because all of a sudden, it’s right in front of you.

 You read like, oh, I think I’m really bad at remembering names. And then by recognizing that every time that comes up, you can change the dialogue. And what I think is amazing about the mind is they call it neuroplasticity.

It adapts to whatever you think, right? It changes. The neural connections will change according to what you believe and what you think. And so, the same thing about the reticulating activating system. I think this is an amazing part in the brain too. It’s what you tell your mind is important. It’ll filter out everything else.

Like, I think it’s like 300 million bits of information per second come into the mind through taste, touch, feel, smell, all that stuff, right? But we only process. I think it’s like 50 bits of information per second. And who’s doing all that filtering? That’s your reticulating activating system, so you’re telling your brain what’s important, what to actually take notice of, and so we develop beliefs around that.

But again, I think it comes back to what do you want outta life? So, when you get, when you get really clear about what you want, you understand your current beliefs, are those beliefs in line with what you want? If they’re not, let’s change those damn beliefs? If you say I have trouble remembering names, your brain is going to prove that every time, every single time, right?

If you’re looking for an excuse. Because the, you know, you want to get me on my soapbox, but I think in today’s age, we want to give people excuses for not performing, right? Everything. Oh, yeah. He has this issue and that issue, and that’s why he can’t do that. And that is, I think that’s such a cop out because we are all capable of amazing things.

 Look at Stephen Hawking. Fully debilitating terminal illness. And this guy’s one of the biggest brains in the. Freaking universe, right? And it is really only our mind that holds us back from those capabilities. But journaling allows you to highlight that and be aware. And that awareness is where it starts.

You have to be aware of what you think. If you want to actually be intentional, improve your life, and improve or, or do whatever in your life. I mean, you look at some of the best, biggest minds, biggest, most successful people out there, it’s because they had intention. They were moving on purpose. They said this belief does not serve me.

It’s gone. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to do this. And I don’t mean to beat people up on that, I’m just saying that it can be changed. And that’s the empowering piece, right? On some token, it’s going to be like, this guy’s a jerk. He’s telling everybody that they don’t have a problem.

But on the other hand, I’m saying, hey, if you think you have a problem, you can also change that. I’m, it’s an empowering thought, but it’s also, you know, other people think you’re being insensitive.

Simon: Yeah, you’ve touched on the whole core of Mindful men. So not only do I have the Mindful Men Podcast, where we talk about these different worldviews about, you know, fatherhood and, and being a man and all that type of stuff.

But I also have my therapy side, so I’m a therapist as well. And this is the kind of work I do with guys is. I look at mindfulness as the five senses stuff to ground us in the moment. But also, mindfulness about how we’re showing up in the world and how we are, how our thoughts are holding us back and our beliefs are holding us back.

Whether or not it’s the social conditioning that we had growing up that we couldn’t talk about things, you know, particularly for guys as well who might be walking into a therapist the first time when in their thirties going, shit, what have I been thinking of the last, you know, 30 years about my life and who I am and I’ve been hiding it with drugs and alcohol and partying and all that type of stuff.

So, I loved how you put that in terms that we can change the mindset and we can change the beliefs and we can move them into a way that we can start looking at life through a new lens and maybe living the life that we’ve always dreamed of living and not the one that we’ve kind of been on autopilot with.

Cause a lot of us, you know, we’ve finished high school or, or uni or college and get into a job that, is a good job, but it doesn’t really light us up. And, and then we kind of. Become on autopilot for a lot of our careers. Oh yeah. And, and we start to get resentful and thinking, oh, I wish I did that.

I wish I did this. I wish I didn’t have kids at this age. I wish I had more money. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, yeah. Rather than just flipping the discourse saying. I can do this today to get that or, or to achieve that or to focus on that. So, I loved how you put that and, and tied it in with mindfulness without even consciously talking about mindfulness is I’ve really enjoyed that part.

Military and family life

Simon: But I want to take you back to your career in special operations actually, and my brother’s in the Air Force and he’s moved around a lot. Like he’s just come back from the US from a deployment over there. And he’s back in Australia now, but he’s never in the same place for more than a couple years.

Mm-hmm. like moving around in the armed forces, what’s that been like for you and your family in terms of the impact as well?

Ashton: Let’s see. So, when I first got married, we got stationed in Okinawa, Japan.

So that was a big piece and understand like, being a parent is one thing, but it does start with a strong relationship with your wife and in the military you’re gone a lot. I was gone anywhere from a hundred to 260 days a year for training, for deployments, whatever. Right. And, you know, thank God she’s very resilient.

She’s very independent. She’s an amazing woman. She’s put up with me, I don’t know how, but yeah, so that, that was the beginning, right? Between us, our relationship was, we were on the road, we were moving, we were there for three years, then we moved to North Carolina and I was there for almost for the next 10 years actually.

So, I was there for a while and that’s where I had both my children. But there I was gone even more because I was part of the task force. So I was, it was a, tier one unit. And I. Yeah, that, that on average was 260 days a year. And hands down, I was gone. So, I’d come back, I’d be home for a week, and then we’d go some mountain trip, then I’d come back, and then we’d go to some jump trip, and then I’d come back for a month and I’d be deployed for, you know, four to five months.

So, it, it was nonstop. And then I was lucky enough to have a good enough command to where I was home for each one of my baby’s births, which was, amazing. And you know, it’s an interesting thing because you get to that point where you’re like, I have goals in my life. My wife has goals in her life, right?

And how are we, how do we stay in line? Our goals don’t have to match, but they have to be in the headed in the same direction, right? Because if they’re not, you’re going to have that, that life where it’s like, I hate you. You’re holding me back. You hate me, I’m holding you back, kind of thing.

 And one of her big things was she wanted to have children and I wanted to have kids with her too. And one of the tough parts there was we couldn’t have kids. We had to have in vitro, which was well first off, it’s, it’s burns a hole in your pocket, but it’s expensive.

 But then, you know, going through that whole therapy and then getting that taken care of, and actually having the kids of course, and then me still traveling, it was definitely a struggle. But again, I think, like, I can’t come back to it enough. I think sitting down with yourself, you know and writing down, I come back to this writing because I feel like it, it puts my thoughts, makes ’em physical, makes them mm-hmm.

It makes me even more aware of it. And I’ve done this multiple times and it’s very powerful. Write. What do I want outta life? Not today, not tomorrow, not in 10 years. I mean, what do I want my life to look like? What is the optimal life? And at the time, it was not without my wife and at the time it was with two beautiful kids with traveling the world and enjoying life and then sharing with them all the places I’ve surfed and snowboarded and you know, like sharing those experiences with my kids.

That is something that I actually wanted, so how can I do that? Naturally we think how right away. And a lot of times that stifles our vision for the future because we don’t know how. And that is the issue. I think, and you kind of said this too, people get this job and then they’re just like draining for the rest of their life.

And then there’s this resentment for their job, for their family, whatever, cuz it, they think it holds ’em back, but it’s because they know what they want and they know, they have more potential. And they’re missing out on that potential. But the gap between those two is this thought of, I don’t know how.

And so, they never actually explore their potential. And I think that’s where you get that resentment, because you know you can do it, you know, you could have that stuff, but you think it’s your kids holding you back. You think it’s your wife, your job, whatever. But yeah, for me, so I, I would write down like, what do I want outta life, right?

And I still wanted to deploy. I loved going overseas with, you know, my team, the boys solving big world, real world problems, the risk, the danger of it. I was huge into that. but at the same time, I didn’t want it to hurt my wife and my family. And in special operations, it’s a 70% divorce rate., and it’s so much so that guys are, get even proud about it. They’re like, yeah, you won’t make Chief unless you get a divorce. It’s kind of a weird thing. But again, I, I think it comes back to being intentional, being aware of what you want.

And for my kids, it was a big deal., you got to know when to say no, right? Yeah. Oh, we’re doing a trip to go skiing in, in Colorado, with the whole team because we need to do winter warfare training. But it’s going to be kind of a boondoggle cuz we’re all just going to be learning to ski and having a good time drinking and, you know, the boys Right. But at this same time, like, well, my kid’s supposed to be born or it’s their first day of school, or can I say no? I, I can say no. And knowing what you want allows you to pick. What is important. Because otherwise you say yes to everything and nothing becomes important.

Simon: Was that hard to say no? in that kind of work environment to say no and say, I’ve got to put my family first. Was that a hard thing to do?

Intentional Parenting

Ashton: Absolutely. Yes. There’s a part of marriage of having kids that you do it and you think, okay, I’m done with that. Or you don’t think you’re done with it. You just kind of push it to the side, all right. Onto the next thing. And that will falter, that will die. The relationship will die. That positive influence that you were for them will die. It’s like a plant that you don’t water if you don’t give it attention, your relationships, all that stuff.

 And, you know, shoot, man, I hear other guys go through it too. And I’m, my kids are young. Mine are eight and four right now. But a friend of mine, his kid. They’re going through a bunch of stuff. His kid’s 15 and of course he’s looking back and he is like, where did I go wrong?

What did I do? You know? And I don’t know. And I’m not judging him. And, and it’s, it’s tough, but if you’re not there, you’ll never know. So, you do have to be intentional. You have to know what do you want for your kids, right? Do you even want to be there? Do you want to look back and be like, you know, maybe they’re suicidal because you weren’t there.

Maybe they were bullied so much cuz you weren’t a good role model. You know, like, but if you’re not there, if you don’t show up, you won’t be able to, to know or even help.

Simon: And so, at what point did you go, what next?

What am I going to do next? I’m done with this career. I’m, I’m ready to move on. Like talk us through that kind of thought process and how you landed, I guess, in the real estate industry.

Ashton: Yeah. I do want to touch on something else too as we get into this. I will say that I was very, I don’t know if you’ve ever read The Rise of Superman.

It’s a, it’s a great book on extreme sports and getting into flow and reaching people’s human potential by tapping into that unlimited potential that is your inner consciousness. And that’s what meditation did for me. And I trusted a lot. I trusted in the universe a lot. I knew what I wanted, I knew where I wanted to go, but there was a lot of faith, right?

And you kind of have to have that, and you’re going to, we’re going to jump out of a plane with 12 other men into an enemy territory like, you have to have faith in your abilities and faith in something. So, I think that that was a big piece for me having that faith.

From Military to Real Estate

Ashton: And so, what helped me transition was over all the years being able to adapt to all these new scenarios. You’re really getting deep and making me think some of this through, but it’s good, it’s good. I should be writing this down, but that was a piece of it. So, what is next, right?

And as the war died down, I really enjoyed the thrill and the teamwork and going overseas and doing these big missions and stuff, I really enjoyed that. But it was dying down. There was nothing. There was nothing there anymore. And I’m one of those guys that like, oh, they’re like, if you stick out another five years, you can get a better retirement.

I was like, nah, there’s other things I want in life, you know, what is that? And so that was it for me and I was like, I’ll figure it out. I’m going to retire at 20 years. So, I retired at 40 years old and it was like I made up my mind. I’m like, I’m going to do something.

I’m going to do something else. I don’t know what it is, there’s plenty of other things out there, but we get, that mindset that there’s, this is all I know how to do, and because I was open and I, this, maybe this goes back to the Reticulating activist system.

I essentially subconsciously told my brain, I’m open to other things. What else can I do? And my brother came to me in 2018, so two years prior to me retiring. And he was like, hey, look man, I just lost a bunch of money in the stock market. I’m done with that place. I’m thinking about investing in real estate.

And so, we started getting educated together and I was like, man I get it. This makes sense. People need a place to live. If we buy it, we improve the place, we refinance, get our invested capital back, then we’re renting it out. Yeah. This makes sense. How much of these do we have to own to replace my current income?

Oh, and surprise, I get to work from home or from anywhere in the world. No brainer. I could do that. You know? And initially people say, oh, you’re passionate about real estate now. Well, I’m not passionate at all. I don’t care about real estate, but I see the potential there. And it’s not all about money, but money is what buys everything else,

and that lifestyle, we’re moving my whole family to Costa Rica to live on the beach down there. Like, you know, I couldn’t do that in the military, but it’s kind of like when you’re climbing a mountain. You, you get up to a certain point.

You’re like, oh, there’s the peak. And you get there and you’re like, oh wait, actually that’s the peak, you know? And so, you keep exploring new potential. And so that’s exactly what has happened.

Investing in Real Estate

Ashton: We did our first investment property and then we’re like, whoa, we could do 10 more of these. And then you do 10 and you’re like, oh, we could do 20 or 30 or 40.

And we’re up to, I don’t know, close to 700 something. We sold off a couple, we got into apartment buildings and I think it’s one of the best investment opportunities out there for people. And I’m not pitching my business, I’m just saying like, even if you don’t have a business or want to get out of your current job, you get a couple, like short-term rentals, you can generate over 50 to a hundred thousand dollars a year. At least in the US

Simon: yeah, definitely the housing industry in Australia is very similar. Like a lot of people are really interested in investing in Property’s been. Aside from the stock market, property’s been the next big one that everyone’s focused on. And I think what you’re talking about, like, not necessarily being passionate about real estate, but more so being, maybe having a drive or a passion for finding time and financial freedom so that you can live the family life that you’ve always wanted and you know, you couldn’t do cuz you’re away so much.

But now you’ve got this opportunity to do that. And I think a lot of people actually are trying to find this kind of balance as well. Like that’s kind of why I started Mindful Men as a business to try and a, to help guys to talk about mental health cause that’s what I’m really passionate about. But also, to develop more time freedom and money freedom so I can be there for the kids drop off at school and their sports events and that we can go on holidays more frequently and do all that type of stuff.

Yeah. And I can work the way I want to work as opposed to fitting into somebody else’s box and working for them. I want to be able to create my own processes and, and stuff like that. So, I think particularly since Covid as well, a lot of people have been looking for these. Yeah. They called ’em side hustles.

Mm-hmm. But now they’re turning into passion projects and people are trying to really break free of the old them and, and, and live the life that they’ve always wanted to. And, and you talk a lot about mindset, and I think mindset comes into this and, and shifting the, the narrative as well. I mean, you’ve already touched on some of the questions, like we talked about why mindset’s important and, you know, you talked about improving your mindset and that you can do it.

Short- and long-term focus

Simon: How do you go from shifting from say, a short-term focus to a long-term focus and keeping, and not losing track of all the little steps that you need to take along the way to get to that ultimate goal that you, you might have in a business perspective?

Ashton: Yeah, that’s a good question. And you know, I struggle with that because I’m actually the other way.

I don’t look at the short term as much. But so, a few years ago we read a book. My brother and I, this is for the business. We got really focused on this and I didn’t realize it. We do this in the military all the time. There’s a book called The Vivid Vision, and essentially, he asks you to look five, 10 years out

and he described the perfect day. What is your perfect day? You get up, what do you smell? who’s with you? What are the sounds that are in your house? When you get up outta your bed, what are you seeing? You know, out the window in your room, whatever, right?

Then what’s your kitchen like? What’s your, your workday look like? Like, all that, and you go through and you, you write all that out, and you’re like, okay that’s the end goal. That’s what I want. That’s my perfect life, right? And it’s going to adjust over the years. It’s going to change that’s natural, but only with an end vision in mind.

Can you find out what is the most important next thing. Some people call it the mins. I like the win. What’s important now, that’s it, that’s how you decide. So, in business or in the military, we would do that.

We’re like, okay, we want to kill, capture this target whatever that is. And what does that look like? Okay? End state men personnel and equipment all come back safely. We want to make sure we have this guy in custody and we want, you know, whatever else. There are usually a couple other things.

And that’s the perfect outcome, that’s all we’re doing. And then we work backwards from there. Okay, how do we get there? what kind of radios are we using? And that’s what you’re doing with your life. And I once heard a guy say, you know, billionaires, they’re looking 30 years out?

They’re making investments, they’re making life moves, they’re making moves that will impact and grow their wealth over the next 30 years. Whereas most of us, maybe 365 days. We’re only looking 365 days out. But the point is, you come up with that end goal and work back from there.

So, if it’s 10 years out, then you work back, okay, where do I need to be in five years to know that I’m on track? All right, where do I need to be in three in one year? And then here’s my favourite part. We do what’s called a 90-day sprint. Okay? So, you’re breaking the, the year up into quarters, obviously, and this is not new, but when you apply it to your life, it is really impactful.

Like what do I need to do in the next 90 days to know that I’m on track to hit my 10-year goal, so I like I’m a huge athlete, so it’s easy to put this in physical terms or, or workout terms because everybody at some level wants something to change about their body. Yeah, right.

Simon: I want some more hair would be nice.

Ashton: I’m with you, bro. I’m, I’m thinning too, but yeah, it’s like you have a 90-day sprint. So, what’s important, what’s the most important next thing? So, if I’m trying to lose 20, 30 pounds by the end of the year, that means I have to lose so many pounds per quarter, per month. And then how do I do that?

And then you set up key performance indicators, here’s a great one for me and my wife. It was I want to be there for my wife. I want to be more involved with my wife and what does that look like? So, we have to schedule time for each other cuz we got kids, we got our own business.

She runs a whole different arm of my business, and there’s taking the kids to school, there’s picking ’em up, there’s taking ’em to, to soccer, to gymnastics. You know, like there is a lot going on. And if you don’t choose it, it will fall to the side. And so, for us it was scheduling an hour conversation every Sunday.

Is that too hard? Can we do that? An hour conversation, just me and her, no kids, no business. that’s our check-in. And then it was two dates per month, right? These are our key performance indicators. We know if we can hit those, it’s going to keep us on track, so we do two dates per month, and we’re not allowed to talk about business.

We can talk about the kids, but we can’t talk about business, because that’s what happens. You kind of get into those cuz you’re doing business all the time together and it’s like, we need to talk about this. Like, not over dinner because this isn’t for us, right? And, and that’s how it was for us.

So, then I came up with, and I didn’t come up with this actually, I found this somewhere else. It was like they called them gardens. It was like five gardens. It was like your health, wealth, your relationships, and a couple others. I can’t remember all of them. I have ’em in my, in a journal I have.

But yeah. And then you come up with those intentions for each one and then it becomes super easy because all of a sudden you have a checklist. All right, this month, did we hit two dates? Check, check. Did we talk four times a month, you know, for an hour each time. Check, check, check.

And then it can be that way for your wealth. It can be that way for your kids. For my kids, the same thing. I want to take my daughters on one daddy daughter date once a month, so that’s two dates with them, two dates with my wife, I mean, all of a sudden, you’re living your best life.

 Because when you decide what’s important everything else falls into line. You think, oh, I’m not going to make enough money. You think I’m not going to have enough time. But when you put what comes first, first, you know, you make it happen. You make the other things happen. It’s kind of like when, man, we need $500 to pay this bill.

You find it. You know what I mean? Or they’re going to come collect you. Find it. Like if you put it, make it important. Make it, it’ll come first and you’ll get it done.

Simon: I love that concept that you’re talking about, like the perfect day. It’s a concept in solution focus, brief therapy actually.

So, we use it in therapy, and I use it with guys all the time, and it’s just exactly the same thing, but it’s called the miracle question. So, it’s like if you were to wake up and everything would be solved, what do you see when you first wake up and then, you know, what’s the smells, what’s the sounds?

We go really deep into it and there’s, there’s a few guys are going, Simon, how many more questions are you going to ask? I’m like, probably another hundred about this perfect day. and that sets that, that end goal, that sets a, a vision that people can tune into when they’re struggling with mental illness or maybe starting out a business, or I’ve got my business and I’ve got one of those ideal life goals in the back of my mind for my business or relationships as well.

Like, how do we want to show up in relationships? And it’s that mindfulness approach as well. It’s okay, that’s what I want to get. And then it’s not losing track of the small things. So, what, as you said, what’s one thing you can do in the next 90 days or for me, for a therapy process, it’s what’s one step you can do today mm-hmm.

To help you work towards that goal, whether or not it’s just getting out of bed. And having a shower mm-hmm., in a therapy space. So, I really loved how you touched on that. And I’m interested to know what was the response when, you told your wife, and your daughters that you were ready to leave the armed forces, and be home.

, were they really ecstatic?

Ashton: They were ecstatic, but then at one point my wife was like, don’t you have a trip coming up soon? I mean, you know, she was part of that lifestyle too, right? Yeah. And when I’m gone, she runs the house and when I’m home, I’m in her stuff and now she has to deal with me.

 So, I think that was the big one. My daughters are probably too young, I think at this point. Maybe. My oldest did ask me one time, like, you know, when are you going to live with us? For real? Yeah. And so that, that hit home. But yeah, it was, it’s an adjustment, you know? And it was always like that anytime I left and came home, it’s an adjustment.

You know, she’s got to do everything when I’m gone. Then when I come home, she doesn’t have to do everything, but I’m not putting the dishes where they’re supposed to go or I’m not, we don’t put our laundry on the floor apparently. I don’t know.

Simon: I still do that. And have my sons doing that as well, so.

Ashton: Right.

Simon: But like, what’s it like as well, I always like to know what it’s like to work in a family business.

Relationships in a family business

Simon: So, you mentioned, you’re in business with your brother, your wife also works in the business. How do you navigate those relationships and, and keep space, I guess, to have family relationships outside of work relationships?

You talked about the, the dates and not talking about work, but how do you navigate that in a day-to-day kind of concept?

Ashton: Yeah, that’s an awesome question. And this took me a long time to learn actually. And I have a podcast as well and called The Art of Winning and I had a guy talk on there.

And it, it was a revelation to me because he’s a strict Christian, which I’m not, but there’s a lot of great tenants of every religion I feel. But anyway, he was talking about how when him and his wife got married one of the customs from both their families was to sit down with a pastor, priest, whatever, and go over expectations.

And I mean, like, man, that, I don’t think we ever did that either. That’s really true. And what he meant by that was, you know, what do you expect from them? Right? And what do they expect from you? And you, you might be surprised. Like they expect things that you didn’t know and you expect things that they didn’t know about.

And all of a sudden you get these grudges and resentments come up because they’re not doing something they didn’t even know they wanted, that you wanted them to do. You know? And it’s the same thing in business. And that’s why you put together, like in America, it’s you know, the operating agreement for your business.

Like who’s responsible for what. You know, if, if a new customer calls in who’s answering that call, it’s as simple as that. Because its stupid little things come up and it’s like, well, who was supposed to do that? You know, I thought you were supposed to do that. You know? So yeah, you’re absolutely right.

Like, you, you run the risk of, of burning relationships, especially in a business if expectations aren’t outlined in the beginning and managed, and things may adjust and change and, my responsibilities have changed. Hers have changed over the years, but I think being clear about that, and I keep coming back to this, right?

Clarity. Yeah, I think being clear about. How you’re going to operate as a family, as a, as a relationship, as a business, do we, and I, I’m terrible at it sometimes too, cuz it’ll be family time and I’m just like, man, I had a great idea, you know, we should do this, this and this. And my, my wife’s like, no, no business at the dinner table.

And I get it, you know, like people get highly focused and excited about, passionate about d different ideas because I’m definitely one of those people, but I think that management expectations is a great tool. And getting clear with your partner, whether that’s business partner or relationship-wise.

Business mindset

Simon: And, how’s business going? Is it going well enough? And, where might you be in five years’ time with the business?

Ashton: Yeah, our business has gone really well. You know, the economy in the US has kind of boomed over the last four or five years, and we’ve done really well in the sense that we’ve gone full cycle with multiple investment properties, meaning we’ve bought them, rehab them, rent them out, and then waited several years and then sold them for a really good profit.

And yeah, we were, we’ve gotten up to a hundred million in assets under management. And we have, I don’t know, six employees, five employees at this time, including three virtual assistants from the Philippines, which by the way, if you’re starting a business, get a virtual assistant. Even if you’re not starting a business, they can change your life. And now they’re ordering flowers for my wife or putting reminders on my calendar that I got to pick up the kids and take ’em to gymnastics.

This is silly things, but when you’re busy, when you’re, and that just kind of goes back to like you when you’re running a business, like where do you want to be in your business, right? Mm-hmm. Do you want to be the owner or do you want to be working in your business for your business? And so, us, our intention was always to be the owner.

And to do that, you do have to have the big picture and have other people doing some of the smaller stuff, cuz it’s, it can be really detailed, time consuming.

Simon: Is that challenging? Cause I often find like, and I’m going to ask a personal business question here. Cause I always felt like it’s my baby, this is my business.

Did you find it hard to kind of let go and let other people kind of take the reins and even for the virtual assistants, so let go and let them do some of the work?

Ashton: A little bit. But when you realized that. There are people out there that can do it better than you. All of a sudden it becomes not a will they do it better than me?

It’s like, who does it better than me and how do I get ’em on my team? And you look at this, like you look at great leaders, they had a vision and they could sell their vision so well that everybody jumped on board and I.

To that point, I have people reaching out to me that just want to intern, intern with us, for six months free work. I’m like, that’s amazing. I don’t even know if I can do that. You know? And the point is like, when you become a business owner, you’re a leader, right? Just like your family.

If you’re a family man, you’re the leader and you’re providing that vision. And when you have a good vision, a strong vision, and it’s exciting, you’re excited to get up every morning because of that vision. Like, people jump on board, like, what is he doing? I want to do that. You know? And it’s a no-brainer.

And I think you said this a while ago too. It’s like you. At some point, like you got to decide what’s important and imagine when you were a kid used to like my kids right now. They are yelling from their room at like 5 30, 6 in the morning. Can we get up yet? Like they’re so ready to go tackle the day.

And like how do we get back to that? Right? How as, as parents, as leaders, as fathers, as men, like how do we, cuz that’s, that’s excitement. Like, I cannot wait to be alive and awake this morning. Let’s do this, you know?

Simon: A lot of that when you’re like, you kind of pivot in life and come outta that autopilot and into a career or a vocation that you’re passionate about.

You know, I’ve got that at the moment with, with Mindful men. I’m doing. Podcast interviews at 6:00 AM in the morning with people all across the world. And I’m going all day, like I think we spoke at the start, like I’ve nearly lost my voice cause I’ve done five today. I would’ve never have done that in my old career.

In a public service? Yes. Sorry. Public service. Like I had some great times and, and met some great people and did some great work, but it just didn’t, you know, light the fire in my belly. And I’ve got that now with mindful men and men’s mental health. It’s something I’m really passionate about. But it took a long time to get here as well.

Like, I, I could see the mountain, but I couldn’t figure out the steps from start. Yes. From the bottom to the top. And, and I think with time and, and age and a lot of self-reflection. Like you do it through the journaling. I did it through therapy. And also, mature age study. I did a lot through my social work study reflecting inwards about what I was learning.

I’m like, okay, if I connect all these dots, that’s how I can get started on that trip up the mountain.

Ashton: You needed those times in your life cuz to know what you want; you have to experience what you don’t want often at times.

 You have to go through that kind of struggle time to like, man, how do I create passive income? How do I enjoy my life? How do I create a fulfilled relationship?

How do I wake up excited with my wife, you know, with my kids? Like, how do I do that? And, then you start going down that journey and start listening to podcasts like this and start, you know, reaching out, finding new careers, finding new people to talk to. Yeah,

Simon: yeah. And now Ashton, I’ve really enjoyed our conversation. I reckon I could talk to you for a lot longer but my voice will crack eventually. But a couple more questions and I’ll let you go.

I’m on the right path

Simon: One is thinking back to when you were eight years old and, and your dad left and then you had your stepfather as well, and then now you are a dad. What do you know now about yourself that you wish you knew back when you were eight years old and going through, you know, that family separation?

Ashton: It’s all part of the process. You’re on the path. Like this is your path. The sooner you can accept that, the less struggle you’ll have. Right. I think a, I think it’s a Zen saying or, or something to that nature is, we cause ourselves so much undue stress by struggling with what we think it should be like versus what it is.

Right. And I learned this in the military too, like you accept what is going on instead of saying, oh my God, this can shouldn’t be happening. They shouldn’t leave. Like, didn’t they love me? Like, why the frick are they going, you know, what’s going on? I mean, it’s tough.

It can be tough, right? We have an idea of how it should be, but if we can accept that there is a bigger plan, doesn’t matter what faith you are, if you even believe in God or universal, whatever, it does not matter. But if you can believe in that, all of a sudden, your mind and your body will follow. You will create that path.

You are on that path right now, no matter how hard it is. This is the perfect path for you, right? For your growth, for your development. If you can believe that, it makes everything not only easier, but you adapt so much faster and everything becomes perfect. It’s absolutely perfect. And I’m not trying to be woo woo or anything

 but all those were the, the Kickstarter to everything else I did. So thank God that stuff happened because who would I be if they didn’t?

Simon: You definitely wouldn’t be here talking about this story if they didn’t go through it as, as you said, like, it’s even for me, it’s like that lived experience. Yes, that can drive you and change you and, and so forth.

Ashton’s feel-good plug

Simon: And one more question then I’ll let you go, is, I like my guests paying it forward and, and you’ve shared a lot with us that, that I’m sure the audience is going to really like, tune into it and love.

But plug something that makes you feel good. So, it doesn’t have to be about mindset. It doesn’t have to be about fatherhood or careers or anything like that. What’s something that’s making you feel good so that maybe some of our audience can tune into as well. Maybe it’s a book or music you’re listening to, or self-care activity.

Ashton: Yeah. You know a book, I’m a huge reader. And this just goes back to I, I’ve always wanted to better myself. For whatever reason, but one of the books that has really changed my thought process on everything, absolutely everything was by a writer named Eckhart Tolle, in which he’s, he’s got quite a following.

He is, he is pretty famous, I think, around the world. At least in the US Thank God, for Oprah. She made him big. But he wrote a book called A New World, and man, he dives into the human psyche, the ego he goes into, you think it’s about spirituality, but he’s really just drawing from a lot of the different teachings from different religions to correlate a lot of what he’s talking about.

And it’s just a phenomenal book. Yeah, I recommend that to anybody, everybody.

Simon: Awesome. And, we’ll share it in the show notes so that people can tune into that. Last thing before I let you go. How can people find you?

Ashton: We have a website. It’s https://valkeregroup.com. But I am on social media, we’re on Instagram a lot of it revolves around my business now. So, if you just look up Valkere group, you’ll find us on Instagram, Facebook LinkedIn, you know, if you want to reach out to me personally, I am on LinkedIn.

And yeah, I’m always happy to talk. It’s not a competition, right. You know, go fast alone, go far together. It’s about human evolution and the more people that evolve, the more the world evolves and comes into that global consciousness or that, focused joyful consciousness that every one of us wants as an individual.

But the more we share it with each other, I think the more power we have as a human. Race. I love it. You know,

Simon: I love it. And you’re on TikTok as well. I’ve just started following you on TikTok. Oh yeah, that’s right. So, we’re doing the TikTok thing together. But Ashton, thanks so much for joining me today.

I really enjoyed you coming on the show and sharing your journey about fatherhood, about work and, and life as well. And, and yeah, really appreciate it. So, thanks so much.

Ashton: Thank you, Simon. It’s, it’s been a pleasure, man. It’s been a deep conversation. You got me emotionally beginning. I started feeling things come up that I haven’t helped for a while.

Simon: Cheers, mate. Thank you.